Full disclosure: I am breaking my theme tonight because I just do not want to watch two Christmas movies. We watching a Rifftrax Live presentation of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and I figure commenting on that is close enough for one night of Decemberpalooza. We will resume our theme of “lyrics for titles” tomorrow.
Okay, show notes. I’ve seen Santa Claus Conquers the Martians a few times already and it’s pretty much great. I mean, it’s a horribly made movie about guys in green facepaint with bike helmets on that have glittery goggles taped on upside down, but it’s still pretty much awesome. And I’ll tell you why: Santa. This movie has a Santa that is the smoothest dude in the room, every time, from start to finish. Voldar tries to murder this Santa by putting him in an airlock? He just escapes through an air vent (why does an airlock have a big open air vent in it?) and laughs it off like a big double accident. Santa does not give a shit about Voldar and his reactionary hatred. He’s a thousand years old, he does one job, and fuck if seeing an ice-cream flavored pill or a weird martial doll factory is going to faze him in any way. He wins the day in this film by being nice, laughing constantly, and just sort of agreeing with everything. I like this Santa. Just think, 30 years after this film Santa Claus would eventually go on to be created by the shit-butt writers of Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe
Now on the other hand this movie also has Droppo, the laziest martian on Mars. He’s a model of children’s entertainment past, a bumbling goddamn idiot. I want to call him Jar Jar but the Rifftrax guys did so I’m going to call him B.E.N. from Treasure Planet, since he’s harmless and loud and doesn’t really help anyone ever. He does eventually get to be the Martian Santa though, so hey, good for him.
The kids in this movie aren’t as bad as modern kids. They basically just announce how old they are and where they’re going, and they are uniformly quiet, polite, and not especially interested in the magic of Christmas. Hell they even get to work in the toy factory immediately and without complaint. That’s some good old fashioned cold-war child workery.
Things this movie has that I wish actually existed: Radar screens, nuclear curtains, a giant cardboard robot named Torg, dudes in bear costumes wandering the North Pole, food pills that taste like beef stew, the Q-Ray, a hot Pia Zidora, Santa Claus.
Things this move does have: A solid B. The attention of the Rifftrax guys.
What I want for Christmas: For the Rifftrax guys to stop aging.