Alright, it’s time to stop fucking around.  So far this week I’ve been reviewing movies that have had recognizable actors and at least a halfway decent budget. It’s time to get into the real spirit of these T&A movies and I can’t imagine something better than a movie called Bikini Girls on Ice. The plot for this is essentially non-existent and often nonsensical. A girls soccer group is going to do a bikini car wash fundraiser but the bus breaks down outside an abandoned gas station. So they decide to just have the car wash there.  Since the abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere is the perfect place for that. Anyway, some random slasher guy starts offing them and hilarity ensues.

This movie really hits all the shitty horror tropes. The flimsiest of reasons for scantily clad women? Check. Old guy warning the teens to “stay away from that place”? Check. Cell phone doesn’t get reception? Check. Car won’t start when it just started no problem a minute ago? Check. Last girl showdown with implacable killer? Check. This is seriously a paint by numbers horror movie that has only a few things that are actually worth mentioning in as far as they aren’t exactly what you would find in any other given one of these.

First the disappointing things. In the beginning you see two of the “mean girl” members of the team being flirty and then later they briefly kiss in the gas station while looking for something and seem to actually be in a relationship. I initially thought “This is great. In a genre and especially sub-genre where women are only objects for men to lust over, you have a couple that are at least in a relationship that is exclusive and apart from that world.” I know that the girl-on-girl thing is also a male fantasy thing that gets brought up in these movies but that also usually ends up being either a show for some watching man or involving a man. When these two were flirting or kissing there was nobody else around and it was seemingly just for them. Why is this in the disappointing things? One of these two in literally the next scene goes off with a random guy that drove to the car wash to have sex. It is also the only scene of bared breasts. Way to be movie.

Another disappointing thing was the pace.  The kills were all shot in such a way that there was no real violence but just a lot of shots of hitting something just off camera or swinging into the camera and going black and so on. Also, no screaming, running, or tension of any kind.  Just walking along looking for something and then hey you’re dead. Pretty much until the last two girls, this is how it goes. Also, terrible direction for certain things. After the car wash most of the girls say “This was a bust, we’re leaving.” and walk off. They all arrived in a bus and there was nobody there to pick them up.  Just off into the cornfield never to be seen again. Also, when the last two girls run from the killer they get into a car and drive off only to hear something in the trunk.  It is, surprise, the killer.  Which means he had to get the keys, unlock the car and open the trunk, run back to put the keys in the garage, run back to the car, and then lock himself in the trunk all in the hopes that the girls would get in the car and let him out.

Now, for something that was actually interesting.  This movie is called Bikini Girls on Ice for a reason. The killer is continually putting people in or on ice. It has an odd fetishization of ice. The first people to die are killed after looking in a freezer of ice, almost like a punishment for gazing upon it.  In the same way that other slasher movies would use sex or drugs as an indicator that this person was doing wrong and going to die, this movie uses ice. It is never explained why he is obsessed with ice or why he keeps putting people on ice. The pre-opening credits scene kill has him put his victim on a pile of ice and then grunts in an almost orgasmic satisfaction from it. It is probably the only really interesting thing that the movie does.

Last thoughts, I always wonder how the slashers in these take care of themselves. Like, how are you paying your electric bills and keeping the water running for all this ice. When is the Gas Station Killer going to the grocery story to get food. I don’t know why I think of these things but it’s probably because my mind is wandering while watching these.  Anyway, I give this movie a 1.5 out of 5 and that’s mostly being generous because the ice thing was interesting.