If you’re reading this and you haven’t listened to the episode of Movie Mastery where we watched Return to Horror Hotel then a lot of this might not make sense. After seeing the garbage that was the sequel; I felt I had to go watch the original to see if maybe the series started stronger and got worse. Turns out, no, and, in fact, this one is even worse than the sequel. Though I did see that it was originally a web series, so Jef’s idea that this was meant to be a show turned out to be much more accurate than I first thought. Anyway, let’s go through this one shitty short movie at a time.
Aliens Stole My Boyfriend: No-good boyfriend Roger Dodger is getting kicked out by his girlfriend when two sexy aliens crash their ship into the girlfriend’s car. The aliens act like they are from a 50’s movie because that’s what they last saw of Earth culture. We get the premiere of Al Sharko. The girlfriend gets jealous and poisons the drinks she gives the aliens. One dies and Roger decides to stay with the other alien. The next scene the alien is kicking him out in the exact same way the previous girlfriend was. *Price is Right sad trombone plays* Probably the best of the bunch since it has a fun idea and an actual ending.
Coma Girl: A husband gets his wife, who is in a coma, and takes her to a hotel for their anniversary. The janitor shows up saying he is in love with her and she is bearing his child. I feel like this was being played for laughs but, jesus fuck, raping an unconscious woman and trying to steal her is pretty much as far from a joke as you’re gonna get. While the husband and janitor fight, the wife wakes up and knocks out the janitor and now he’s in a coma. *Price is Right sad trombone plays* Probably the worst of the bunch since its idea was “What if rapist?” and then not really anything else.
The Problem with Clones: The shitty Aunt from the sequel is playing several clones while the body builder from the sequel tries to find the right clone to take to the judge. It plays out like the world’s dumbest noir film and the fact that they are clones has literally no impact on the story since they all dress/act radically different and nobody is trying to assume someone else’s identity. It’s like they only did it to save on casting. Also, this is the point where you would begin notice that none of these have been horror.
Brain Robbers in Love: An old lady that owns the 2nd biggest publishing company wants to switch brains with a woman that works for the biggest publishing company so she can learn about upcoming projects. She tries to kill the woman but fails and then finds out the body she switched in to has terminal cancer and only weeks to live. *Price is Right sad trombone plays* At least this one is sort of like a Tales from the Crypt type horror where it’s all about an asshole getting their comeuppance. Oh, if you’re wondering about the title, the old lady has an assistant that she hits on once she’s in a young body. I assume they thought of the title and then had to shoehorn something about love in.
Four Eyes: A guy wants to hire a veteran in a wheelchair to kill his ex because she took the dog. The veteran ends up killing the guy, taking the money, and then going out with the ex. *Price is Right sad trombone plays* Of note, the vet is the drug dealer from the sequel and the ex is the same actress that was the alien from the first short. Also of note, literally nothing as this is just a great big ball of time wasting garbage.
Life After Men: In a future where men where purged and The Server is watching over everything, two women on the run from a fertility clinic go to a motel. One of them is all about banned stuff like books, pencils, booze and also thinks she likes men. The other is more straight-laced and mostly concerned for her friend. Then 2 Server Agents show up, find a man hiding someone, kill him, and then go into the other two women’s room where they proceed to find out about all their felony possession stuff and then do nothing and leave. The end. It’s like someone had an idea for the setting of a story but didn’t have a story to tell.
Score: .5 out of 5. Ranging from boring to pointless, this anthology of random crap stories is even worse than the sequel. How they managed to keep making these, I have no idea.