Horrortoberfest ’18 Day 13 – Satanic (2016)

I had been lamenting the lack of truly awful horror so far in this year’s Horrortoberfest. Then, lo and behold, along comes a recommendation that truly embodies everything that is wrong with the horror genre. Lazy writing conventions fill an otherwise meandering script full of lackluster characters portrayed by mediocre actors. Above all this, however, is the single most cardinal sin of making any horror movie: being boring. There is just nothing to grab your attention and any action comes too little, too late in the story.

Our main characters are a group of 4 idiot teenagers on their way to Coachella but first they stop in Los Angeles so that they can take in the sights. Specifically, the spooky sights where some satanic cult stuff happened. After a run in with an actual satanic cult, they take in a girl that they think was going to be a sacrifice. Turns out she was actually being kicked out for being too hardcore and she does some ritual that basically curses them and slits her own throat. Then at the end of the movie the 4 unlikable characters disappear one at a time until only the main character is left. Then, thankfully, the movie ends.

This movie spends an inordinate amount of time just making sure that we understand the relationships that these characters have with each other. Chloe and Elise are cousins that, by all rights, should definitely not get along at all. Their boyfriends each hate the other one even though they tend to have more in common than most other people in the group. Everyone has their own annoying quirk that sets them apart. You have a whiny goth girl that gets pissed whenever anyone doesn’t play along with her Ouija board bullshit. Her goth boyfriend that appears to be only concerned with sex. The other boyfriend that is basically just there to be a dude bro that shits on everything and just wants to get to Coachella. Finally, the last girl that is supposed to be the voice of reason but is actually responsible for everyone dying because she is too nice.

When something actually does happen in this movie, it’s either some nonsense that occurs off screen and we only hear or the very end of the movie has one decent scene with some cool visuals. However, after spending an hour and a half watching these characters wander around L.A. and act like assholes; I just couldn’t care less about whether or not Satan is real. By the time they start getting haunted by spooky shit I was already looking at my phone every 2 minutes wondering how much longer it was going to take before I would be released from this torment. In the movie, one of the lines is that “Hell isn’t a place. It’s a state of beautiful confusion.” Which is pretty accurate as this movie is my own personal, incredibly boring hell.

I would give this a 1 out of 5 and say it’s not really even worth watching to make fun of. There is so much more interesting bad horror out there.

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