Horrortoberfest Day 5 – Wolfcop (2014)

wolfcop poster

With a name like Wolfcop, I feel like there is no possible way that this movie could have been bad. A classic Teen Wolf scenario except this time you have a cop instead of an idiot teenager. I’m amazed it has taken me this long to finally sit down and watch this movie as it has been in my Netflix queue for probably 6 months at this point. I cannot express how happy I am that this movie lived up to the expectations that I had for a movie named Wolfcop.

I knew that this movie was making the correct tonal choice when we find out that our slovenly, alcoholic, failure of a lead character is named Lou Garou. If that doesn’t ring any bells, please google loup garou and then continue on with the review. Also, his favorite bar to drink at is the Tooth and Nail. Also, there is a group of 3 robbers menacing the small town while dressed in pig masks. Also, he eventually has sex while a werewolf with someone that is wearing a red riding cloak. If there was a stupid wolf reference that they could throw into the film, then by god they did their damnedest to put it in there.

The plot is even more insane than you might first think. It’s not just your standard “got bit and is now a werewolf” story. Goodness, no. That would be far too pedestrian for such a movie as Wolfcop. Instead, he is ritualistically cursed with lycanthropy. The reason for this is because there are shapeshifters in the town that need to snort crystalized werewolf blood in order to maintain their life for centuries. It is up to Wolfcop and Regular Cop to stop these lizard people that walk among us from sacrificing Lou during the solar eclipse. If you are still reading this after that synopsis, I am going to assume it is because you have already watched and/or just gotten back from watching Wolfcop.

One of the things that werewolf movies especially rely on are the special effects. You have to have a memorable transformation sequence or else no amount of plot insanity can save you. Thankfully, the effects in Wolfcop are good enough, though be aware that the first transformation sequence happens dick first. So, you know, I didn’t think I was ever going to need to warn people about erupting wolf cock but here we are. The scenes where he kills people also has one of my favorite effects of him tearing a guy’s face off and then that guy runs around, with a skeleton face, for way too long. I’m not sure I could sell this movie to you any harder than I currently am.

In fact, fuck it. We’re done here. The movie gets a 5 out of 5. Go watch Wolfcop. Do it.

Favorite part of the movie: There is a goddamn Wolfcop theme song. Jesus why aren’t you watching this movie already?

Least favorite part: I was going to jokingly say that it doesn’t pass the Bechdel test and then I remembered it does. God bless you, Wolfcop.

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